hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Pooping to opera.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
