I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
