i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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