The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
