The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize