as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
COCAINE IS GR8
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
