Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
