If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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