he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
