We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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