Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
