I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize