I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
