ya dads aren't the best wingmen
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
