The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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