I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
