I think i peed on brittanys purse
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize