giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
