sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
