my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
