And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
