I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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