Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
