I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
