you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
