half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
where are my eyebrows?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
