Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
