Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
