So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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