He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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