i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
