you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize