I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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