I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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