I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
