So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
