woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
