He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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