2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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