I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
