we're blogging at a bar
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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