I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
