your thong is hanging out like whoa
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
