I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize