he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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