Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
