i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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