I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
