My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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