first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
