I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
