So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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