obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
