Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
