I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We were destined to go to rehab together
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
