forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize