so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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