Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
