It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
