life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
